Day Five

After surviving a night of being kicked in the back, disturbed by night lights and the irregular hum of the fan, we had a nice chilled morning, and I hinted strongly enough that I even had Bright Eyes on my side with Kew Gardens.
So, GIN makes her plans and we start with lunch by the river in Richmond. Score. Then an impromptu trip to pick up a second xbox for Gamer (which he didn’t want but GIN forced upon him through tears exclaiming that he thinks too much, and not everything is about him.) Again, I got to do the comforting and we managed to bond a little.

On to Kew Gardens. We did it! Ginger had cheered up by this point and he seemed interested in reading the signs and getting involved with exploring. More bonding ensued. Feeling good. We got to the park quite late, so by the time we wondered over to the Tree Top Walk via the Princess of Wales Glasshouse (which had different rooms set at different geographical climates to imitate the dessert, rainforest etcetera) it was closed.
We meandered over to the main entrance again for dindins.

Throughout the visit of the gardens, when asked what we were to do next by the infants the response was ‘This visit is for Colette. She needs to know where to bring her all her boyfriends now.’ (GIN has her eye on someone for me that we met at Young Uncle’s house. She says he is cute and would be nice to wake up to.)

We went to another place in Richmond for dinner where I had to practice my sympathy eyes on the waitress who got viciously stared down when asked what order we wanted the food to come out (three kids meals, nachos for sharing, my meal, and two steaks – yes; for two adults and two kids!!). I did manage to get a quiet word in to the waitress on our way out which I think made both of us feel better. She wished me luck and off I skipped to the car.

I saw ducklings. So many ducklings. I practically dragged Sweetie down to the pond before she had a chance to ask what we were looking at as I start cooing. Big Brother informed us of what we were looking at from the sign next to the water. GIN waits patiently as the two beers and two cigarettes she had on a heavy dose of sun and barely any dinner, have subdued her.

Home, bath, bed. Though the looming thought of mummy coming home whilst they’re meant to be a sleep is clearly too much excitement. I have a lovely little time with them both, and am determined to be reading a lovely story as mum comes up. Just so as to prove that I'm not half bad at this job. It works, and my job is done. I quickly run around the house tidying up and packing my things.

Mum is still sitting with two fast asleep children in the dark by the time I'm done, so I tentatively mention that I was thinking of getting one of the last tubes home. She jumps up and sorts me out, whilst kindly asking how everything went. She then asks about ‘everything else’ as she tilts her head towards GIN’s bedroom. I assure her we had ups and downs, but all survived to tell the tale. She genuinely seems concerned as GIN come into the hall. GIN tells mum that I worked hard. This oddly makes me feel pretty big; as though, it was all worth something; the approval of a depressed and alcoholic old lady… GIN literally pushes me out of the door demanding that I don't get up set.

Off I trot on to the tube home where I am writing this last entry. Happy, worn out and still slightly dazed.

Day Four

New rule. I sleep in the same bed as the children at night. Apparently that was part of the original agreement, and had nothing to do with the fact GIN got woken up by the crying four year old, and not me. My oven of a room is just for when I have my free-time because I need my privacy. Ahem, sorry, free time?! I don’t mind just having after bedtime at my liberty (for which I am banished up stairs and am definitely not welcome downstairs!) but don’t dangle the idea of ‘free-time’ in front of me.

Four o'clock was the time we left the club today. Best timing yet. Turns out Holly Willoughby (yeah, I know who that is!) swims in the same pool, and I played with her son today. Nearly made friends! With her four and a half year old son that is, not the breakfast morning babe.

We went straight from the pool to Piccadilly Circus – the real world – for xbox games. Turns out the HMV in Trocadero has been closed for about a year. So, I use my initiative (which most of my employees ignore I have) and asked a leafleter if he could help out. I relayed the information back to GIN and she tells me I am wrong. Fine. I suggest Covent Garden. Wrong. She tells me to speak to someone. A bouncer this time. I get the same information as before, but she was there to hear it this time. Right. 

We find HMV in Oxford Circus and find four appropriate games for him to choose from. Normally this might have taken sometime. Not for GIN; she gets all four and shouts at the lovely shop assistant who had been helping us out for closing down the other branch. I reassure him, silently, over GIN’s head that he should just laugh her off because she is indeed crazy. I getting used to passing that look on to other helpful people in a split second, along with a flash of thankyoupleasesaveme.

Next we visit Young Uncle who is often found near Brick Lane. GIN starts harassing people to drink with her. Whiner has found a friend in this house to play computer games with, so is very content, and Complacent is very happy just to watch her big brother.
Soon it’s 21h. I light heartedly mention bedtime, and get asked ‘why would I need to take them home?’ Never mind the fact this house is full of about twenty adults chatting and listening to music everywhere. Others even try to mention bedtime and intervene. They also get shot down.

In this time, I am made aware of a potential new neighbour (unfortunately even though GIN persists, they assure her there is no spare room is his house for me), a potential new lover, a new sleepover shack, and am forced onto people as new friends. I did enjoy being near people of the real world though, so complied and reluctantly spoke to her when others wouldn't (or she noticed I wasn't being spoken to.)

Eventually after the taxi ride from hell (for Little One, not so much me, as I got to do the comforting) we arrive home at midnight. Young Uncle and I get blamed for Little One needing a wee and getting ratty in the hour taxi ride home at midnight…

So, for my first night sleeping with kids! Here’s hoping I don’t suffocate them. Or myself; with all the giant and numerous cuddly toys I’ll be surrounded by.

I did get some words of wisdom today, but after tonight’s events I just can’t bring myself to remember. One more day.

Editor’s note: this was by far the worst day for me, but reading back it doesn't come across too badly. In her own way GIN did hint at an apology at her behaviour with the kids the next day.  I think this was also the day I was given beer by GIN at 11h30 in the morning and was told I wouldn't be able to cope otherwise… I did subsequently remember the gems of knowledge she gave me, but did not keep note and have forgotten them. Distraught!

Day Three

My hearty ‘Good Morning’ didn't quite work the way I expected. I got told off for talking to Big Eyes over her breakfast and was told to not move or talk or do anything thing and just wait for instructions. Unless of course ‘you have any more orders from mum?!’. Big Eyes was forcefully given the chicken and eggs that she was supposed to have last night before I stupidly fed them after four hours of abandonment.

I was ordered upstairs to rest and get ready everything we needed for the day. I am often being told to ‘rest’ at the same time as; sweeping the floors, tidying the bedroom, or giving the bambinos a wash. I tend to ignore the prior and just go with the latter. It’s worked so far.

I came back downstairs to a more amenable GIN. She told me to run up and down the stairs after useless items and fruitless searches. Having had her fun she was back to her old self; I am to find a man to love a.s.a.p. If they don’t love me, I just have to get myself pregnant by them and trick him into a marriage. And ALL this time I've been wondering why I'm single! 

Also, degrees are just for power and young people have power so I shouldn't wait to finish  my education so I can lord myself over everyone and just find love, like she knows I want to. Simple.

Off to the sports club again. Only six and a half hours in total this time. I was prepared this time though, so all went well, thank you very much.

Next to a Thai restaurant that Ginger has been moaning about since he arrived. GIN is very generous with food, which I enjoy; she tells me to feed me and not the kids, which is the opposite to the last stint I had in France.
However, there is just one issue. If I gratefully express my satiated state before the table is empty of food, I get The Look of GIN. As if I had just slapped her in the face or ripped her grandchild’s ear off. Or, if I thankfully refuse a dessert, GIN says ‘Do as you are told’. So, off I slope to order even more food I can’t and don’t want to eat.

Just to give you a very tiny insight as to why GIN may be a bit unsettled, breakfast was a mug of wine. Lunch at 12h came with beer. Then she disappeared for three and a half hours. Later, rum and coke for dinner. Okay, so part from the MUG of WINE at breakfast, it doesn't seem so bad; but she won’t eat anything. And she’s looking after kids. AND she has a snap-temper. I feel emotionally void at current, because one minute, she’s be making a joke and the next she’s taking a jab at me, or telling me how her life has fallen apart or how her children are failing her.

I've learnt not to say ‘I see’ when interjected and the corresponding pauses, as she will out burst with ‘No, you can’t say “I see”. You have no idea. You are too young to know anything. What do you know? See; nothing!’. The same goes for ‘I understand’ and ‘Really!’. Now I stick to ‘Right’ and ‘Yes’, (she doesn't like ‘Yeah’ either.)

My vocabulary may well be stunted by the time I reach normality again.

Finally, a word of wisdom; Every man is like King Lear (he wants to sex all his daughters) but they are not animals, so they don’t. Phew!
Also, daughters that are doted on and cared for by their fathers, soon have to learn to be a girl, and not a man. This comes with discovering that we can’t do what we want; love and babies always come first. I too will learn this in time. Maybe ten years, but by then of course, it’ll be too late and I will be wasted (hence finding love now and not waiting a year). 

Understood!

Day Two

Drunk GIN sounded fun didn't she... As ever, apparently even the babysitter has to take the good with the extremely bad! But, I’ll get to this later.

This morning we all ventured to the joys of Richmond to do a touch of banking. Well, the real adults at least. I took the kiddywinks to get a magazine each. We also visit the toy shop; very pleasant. 

Then off to the private sports club. Members only. And family of members. And their childcare. 

To get there we come off the main road where a big fancy sign tells us too, and we carry on down a ‘country lane’ for another seven minutes before we actually get a hint of what we came here for. I think this is to make people think that’s it’s a secret and is well hidden away from all those commoners that might, have otherwise wondered past.

We are here to enrol the Kinder into tennis and swimming club for a couple of hours each morning for the week. Sounds bliss to me. It didn't happen. No summer clubs start until next week. But the pool is available and I ensure them I am keen to swim with the little ones. I can just pop home tonight and have my swim kit ready for the morning.

We eat at the club. Of course. Then mum is leaving. It is decided that GIN will drive mum to the station while I watch the kids for twenty minutes until she returns. Mum then talks through money with me (which makes up for the events that ultimately unfold) and gives me a lump sum ahead to buy the kids and myself swimming costumes and goggles now, (so as not to have to drive the twenty minutes home again for the kids costumes) and because they are keen and mum is worried GIN might not be.

So, GIN leaves with mum and I have an uncomfortable amount of cash floating about in my impressively big skirt pockets. I dutifully buy what I was told to (it’s incredible how easy it is to buy anything when there is NO budget to consider. So easy!) Quickly send GIN a text saying, in not so many words, that it’s mums fault we’re swimming, so she knows when we get back.
We had a lovely swim. Rather brief as the four year old is a brand new swimmer with no floats so I couldn't take eye off her, which made it somewhat boring for the eight year old.

We jump out and dry. I call GIN. No response. I text GIN. No response. I text mum to get GIN’s alternative, foreign number. I text GIN again and get ‘I was there. Now I am shopping’.
‘Great’, I think. She'll finish her little rounds and we’ll be home in maybe an hour or so. This woman won’t rush herself but she is at least aware of us now...

FOUR hours later we are still waiting. She will not reply to messages (that I am sending to both her phones). She will not answer my calls. At first I just figure it’s on silent and she trusts me enough to enjoy some peace and quiet before the full brunt of the rest of the week hits her. The youngsters have exhausted the swimming pool, the adventure playground, the soft playground, even the computer games(!). I have watered and fed them (thank goodness for the uncomfortable money folds I have burning into my thighs). Little mummy’s boy has been holding out all day for his favourite Thai restaurant that he was promised, but I persuade him that a ramekin full of beans, four chicken nuggets and ball of mash is somehow worth missing it for. 

JUST as I finish my meal I get a (what I thought, efficient) message saying ‘Outside now’. Elation. We skip to the car and jump in. I explain what we had been doing in a cheery and happy-to-be-there voice. Silence. She probably just didn't hear me over the talking of the children. After we’re all settled in the car I repeat that as the nippers got so hungry and tired, I bought them dinner. Silence.
I can’t handle this so I instantly start blabbering away to the poor four year old about Pepper Pig! Luckily I have her magazine we bought earlier for backup, which seems fortunate now, but I was cursing when she wouldn't stop going on about how she’d left it in the car whilst we were stranded at the members only club.

It was obviously, when watching her walk back to the house that she was drunk. I had been warned about her being an angry drunk, but had foolishly put it out of my mind after the splendid heart to heart we had last night.

The innocents were told to go straight to bed seeing as they had ‘had a swim and dinner’. I run upstairs with them, scared for my own life too. As it was just an hour until their real bed time anyway, I told them they could stay up for a bit with me. But not to leave the room. I did sheepishly accompany them to brush their teeth. 

They are lovely kids, but a little soft I feel; they can’t go to sleep without someone in the room. Even the eight year old boy. I think they probably could, but I am not to argue, and actually enjoyed it; it made a nice calm end to the day.

Except, it’s not even ten pm and I don’t dare leave my room now. I will use my normal tactics for a situation like this; in the morning I will go down bright and early, do my best not to disturb her and kill her stubborn silence with smiles and enthusiasm so she can’t get an evil glare in edgewise. Can’t wait…

I did get one piece of advice before it all went a bit sour. Always marry for money first. Love isn't that important, after all ‘better to marry a creepy old man with money, than a creepy old man without.’

Day One

This is the story of how I spend five days helping out Granny In Need when her grandchildren came to stay without their mum. She lives very comfortably in Kew. She is a small lady with a sharp tongue.

I arrive at the house only 5 minutes after the agreed arrival time. Feeling good. G. I. N. (Grandma In Need) welcomes me into her home just as her relative approaches the door; ‘just in case I didn’t turn up’. Great start.

I am offered soup or rice or anything I want. I politely decline as it has just past 10am. Brusquely I am asked whether I can work TVs and game consoles. Feeling confident, young and savvy I say that, yes I will give it a go, so I am practically shoved into, what I will describe as, the den. Heavenly cool compared to the conservatory of the house upstairs.

After turning on the extension cord on at the wall and everything electronic device lighting up, I figure that it’ll be a doddle, and not wanting to appear slack in the first 30mins of my new job I mount the stairs ready for the next preparations for the kids arrival. 

For some reason GIN’s number one priority is her drive way which her ‘shitty gardener didn’t come round’ to do. So, whilst GIN watches on, exclaiming how much fun manual labour can be, her relative and I are stooping to pick up seven months worth of fallen leaves. Such fun.
She is apologetic, and I’m in a good mood, so I let this one slide. Though in the back of my mind I am wondering how long I can go on before claiming that direct sun light probably isn’t  good for me.

I peter out my efforts at just the right time, as when I return form ‘having a wee’ the relative is clearing up. First hour up.

Not long after this, the kids arrive. Turns out they are really lovely, amicable and talkative little munchkins of four and nine years old.

Thier endearing little European- American accents lure me in straight away. We spend the rest of the day, still with mummy present, going between playing on the trampoline or climbing frame in the garden and the xbox in the den or playing with GIN’s dolls house. Easy living.

Angelic Big Eyes of four who has no dolls house of her own gets stuck in. The first couple of visits are just as one would expect; rearranging of furniture and placing of dolls with a loose story line in between. However! Come the third visit, after the mutant frog prince has eaten the innards of the house and vomited them up for his own use elsewhere I catch wind of the dialogue, I had previously been ignoring due to the immense heat and heavying eyelids.
Each of the little dolls; we had agreed to call Mum, Dad, Jude and Laure, are being SKINNED by being, first, shaved then having their skin scraped off, so they can ‘hang it on the walls of their house to decorate it’!! Have no doubt, that everyone of this wooden family was in great agony during this process; however after they were spiked to ‘make their skin more sparkly’. They soon forgot the trauma.

Meanwhile GIN tells me I should be in the movies. She tells me I am so tall, I would just have to give it a go because ‘it’s not about talent! It’s about bums on seats.’ In reproach to me telling GIN that I think they might struggle finding leading men to match my height, she says ‘why do you think about this? Why do you worry about things you shouldn't be worried about? Who cares?’ And finally after I realise the best decision is always to smile, nod and agree, she declares that she ‘would be so disappointed and sad’ for me if I didn't even ‘at least try to make it’: RADA here we come!

The day goes on as one might expect; the more tired the children are the quicker they are to frustrate. All still keep their calm though. Eventually bath and bed time approaches. Again, as mummy is still here for one more night, she does most of the work. All I have to do is take the plug out of an unpluggable bath… After baling out half the water I asked after a plunger. Six attempts later I caught the little fucker and the bath drained a treat.

Elated, I head downstairs. GIN soon enquires after my alcohol consumption. Normally in the presence of an employer I am practically tee-total (apart from special occasions, of course!). However, being the witness of her getting through the best part of a whole bottle of wine throughout the day, I didn't want to miss a bonding opportunity. I told her I like to drink beer and wine, but generally was not fussy, and was always up for trying something new. GIN’s direct response was to ask me to the pub. I acted concerned about mum upstairs unawares and was assured she wanted to sleep, so we’d be doing her a favour.

She told me her life. I told her my life. I got given copious amounts of advice, all of which I hope to remember; especially to ‘get knocked up  to get my man to marry me’, ‘never live with a boyfriend unless I know they will marry me’ and ‘ no one has a life once you’re married’.