Day One

This is the story of how I spend five days helping out Granny In Need when her grandchildren came to stay without their mum. She lives very comfortably in Kew. She is a small lady with a sharp tongue.

I arrive at the house only 5 minutes after the agreed arrival time. Feeling good. G. I. N. (Grandma In Need) welcomes me into her home just as her relative approaches the door; ‘just in case I didn’t turn up’. Great start.

I am offered soup or rice or anything I want. I politely decline as it has just past 10am. Brusquely I am asked whether I can work TVs and game consoles. Feeling confident, young and savvy I say that, yes I will give it a go, so I am practically shoved into, what I will describe as, the den. Heavenly cool compared to the conservatory of the house upstairs.

After turning on the extension cord on at the wall and everything electronic device lighting up, I figure that it’ll be a doddle, and not wanting to appear slack in the first 30mins of my new job I mount the stairs ready for the next preparations for the kids arrival. 

For some reason GIN’s number one priority is her drive way which her ‘shitty gardener didn’t come round’ to do. So, whilst GIN watches on, exclaiming how much fun manual labour can be, her relative and I are stooping to pick up seven months worth of fallen leaves. Such fun.
She is apologetic, and I’m in a good mood, so I let this one slide. Though in the back of my mind I am wondering how long I can go on before claiming that direct sun light probably isn’t  good for me.

I peter out my efforts at just the right time, as when I return form ‘having a wee’ the relative is clearing up. First hour up.

Not long after this, the kids arrive. Turns out they are really lovely, amicable and talkative little munchkins of four and nine years old.

Thier endearing little European- American accents lure me in straight away. We spend the rest of the day, still with mummy present, going between playing on the trampoline or climbing frame in the garden and the xbox in the den or playing with GIN’s dolls house. Easy living.

Angelic Big Eyes of four who has no dolls house of her own gets stuck in. The first couple of visits are just as one would expect; rearranging of furniture and placing of dolls with a loose story line in between. However! Come the third visit, after the mutant frog prince has eaten the innards of the house and vomited them up for his own use elsewhere I catch wind of the dialogue, I had previously been ignoring due to the immense heat and heavying eyelids.
Each of the little dolls; we had agreed to call Mum, Dad, Jude and Laure, are being SKINNED by being, first, shaved then having their skin scraped off, so they can ‘hang it on the walls of their house to decorate it’!! Have no doubt, that everyone of this wooden family was in great agony during this process; however after they were spiked to ‘make their skin more sparkly’. They soon forgot the trauma.

Meanwhile GIN tells me I should be in the movies. She tells me I am so tall, I would just have to give it a go because ‘it’s not about talent! It’s about bums on seats.’ In reproach to me telling GIN that I think they might struggle finding leading men to match my height, she says ‘why do you think about this? Why do you worry about things you shouldn't be worried about? Who cares?’ And finally after I realise the best decision is always to smile, nod and agree, she declares that she ‘would be so disappointed and sad’ for me if I didn't even ‘at least try to make it’: RADA here we come!

The day goes on as one might expect; the more tired the children are the quicker they are to frustrate. All still keep their calm though. Eventually bath and bed time approaches. Again, as mummy is still here for one more night, she does most of the work. All I have to do is take the plug out of an unpluggable bath… After baling out half the water I asked after a plunger. Six attempts later I caught the little fucker and the bath drained a treat.

Elated, I head downstairs. GIN soon enquires after my alcohol consumption. Normally in the presence of an employer I am practically tee-total (apart from special occasions, of course!). However, being the witness of her getting through the best part of a whole bottle of wine throughout the day, I didn't want to miss a bonding opportunity. I told her I like to drink beer and wine, but generally was not fussy, and was always up for trying something new. GIN’s direct response was to ask me to the pub. I acted concerned about mum upstairs unawares and was assured she wanted to sleep, so we’d be doing her a favour.

She told me her life. I told her my life. I got given copious amounts of advice, all of which I hope to remember; especially to ‘get knocked up  to get my man to marry me’, ‘never live with a boyfriend unless I know they will marry me’ and ‘ no one has a life once you’re married’.